Global Mamas: Haiti

We’re profiling one mother from every country on the planet. (Current tally: 14 down, 178 countries to go!)

———

We’ve long said that it does’t matter if you’re a mother of 7-month-old or a 7-year-old, you have something valuable to share and we want to hear it. So, meet Fabienne Colimon. She’s a proud single mother of now-grown daughter living and “thriving” in Haiti.

Here’s her story …

Photo by Fabienne Colimon

Life before baby …
I grew up in a very traditional and conventional family. Growing up, I needed to ask for permission to go everywhere.  I participated in many activities.  I went to the beach, disco, movies, visited friends, and of course, in Haiti Mardi Gras was a must.

My ideas about motherhood …
My dream was to find a “Prince Charming.”  He and I would fall in love, and he would (as is the custom in our culture) request my hand. Then we would have a lovely home and two little girls.

But these ideas absolutely changed. Hopes and dreams aside, I became involved with a married man and got pregnant. That changed everything.  Needless to say, our relationship was complex. Upon learning of my pregnancy, he asked me to get an abortion. I refused and asked him to get out of our lives. Single mother hood was something I knew would be difficult, but I also knew I would and could thrive and survive. Aborting my baby was something I knew I would regret.

Then came baby …
Being a single mother in Haiti has traditionally been taboo. The expectation is that dream: Girl meets Prince. Prince marries girl. They build a beautiful home and have beautiful children. And everyone lives happily ever after.

When my father found out I was pregnant  he cried and asked me why I had done this to him.  I imagine that he cried for the disappointment and fear of what my life and my daughter’s life would be like.  However, Nastassia was born and her birth was a joy and blessing for our family.  She was (and still is) the adored child. My parents doted on her.

The most challenging part of motherhood …
Single motherhood overall is challenging. There is no doubt about that. The challenges are financial. The challenges are emotional. I am certain that my daughter has experienced difficulty because a single mother raised her … which is painful to think about.

While I have adored, loved and raised my child in the best way possible, I cannot take the place of a father. I never asked him to leave his wife and never asked him to contribute. I feel very strongly that I should not have had to ask him to face his responsibilities to our child in the same way he did to his three other children.

On balancing work and life …
I worked until the day before I gave birth. My maternity leave lasted for about 1.5 months. Once I returned to work, I was able to have a nanny care for my daughter. Every morning on my way to work, I would drop the nanny and my daughter off at my parents for the day. As with most mothers, it was difficult to leave her, but I had to earn a living to care for her. We all do what we have to do.

The best part about raising a child in Haiti …
Family is the center of life here. My siblings have children, and my daughter has had the benefit of being raised with her many cousins. We had family dinners on Saturday and Sunday, a tradition that continues.  Community is alive and thriving in Haiti. The Hillary Clinton, phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child” is the truth in Haiti. Extended family is very involved in helping raise children.

I feel blessed to have raised my daughter in Haiti. We have a rich and beautiful culture and I made sure that she was able to take advantage of it all. Nastassia has had the very best that Haiti has to offer and her foundation is solid. However, Haiti does not have a public assistance program. I’m glad that we were fortunate enough that we did not lack for anything.

Best piece of advice I ever heard …
After the birth of my daughter, my father told me that my priority was now my daughter and that my life had changed. At that moment I became and remain to this day devoted to my daughter’s well-being.

If we could jump into the DeLorean and race back in time …
I would tell myself not to worry. In spite of any difficulties that lie ahead, all will be well.

I have raised an intelligent, talented, well-adjusted, and beautiful young woman. She is well on her way to be being successful. She is my legacy and my greatest accomplishment.  Not all women are meant to be mothers. I was. Motherhood is a gift I have been given and one which I cherish.

———-

If you would like to nominate a mother living outside of the United States to be featured in the Global Mamas series, please send an e-mail to: get[dot]msmack [at] gmail [dot] com.

Global Mamas: Turkey

We’re profiling one mother from every country on the planet. (Current tally: 13 down, 179 countries to go!)

———

Meet Güneş Güner IŞIK. She’s a 36-year-old fashion director for GQ Turkey. Now, instead of me telling your more about her, it’s way better to have her do it:

“I have eight years as mother; eight years as a wife, and 16 years as a creative. My funky son, Dara, is in the second grade. He’s one of these new weird kids who knows a bit too much. And he’s very creative.”

See what I mean? Fabulous.

Here’s her story …

Photo by Güneş Güner IŞIK

Life before baby …
It was a selfish life. I tried to keep the whole world revolving around me. I was always hectic and working, and if I was lucky enough to find some time for myself, I would spoil myself rotten! I would travel, get beauty treats, go partying.

I never thought about having a family of my own. I didn’t even dream about getting married.  I was just so into my professional life, none of that other stuff really ever entered my thoughts.

And my relationship to kids? They were almost like aliens to me. These little beings who cry on planes.

My ideas about motherhood …
I simply never pictured myself as a mother. But somehow — out of no where  – when I was 28, I started to crave a baby. A little boy with black olive eyes. I was dreaming about this little boy, dreaming of being a mother to this son. It’s so strange because I was single. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend.

Then I found out that my ex-boyfriends lost his mother. I tried to be there for him. We ended up taking a trip to the U.S., to New York and Las Vegas. We had lots of fun. Then I went back to my regular life, back to working as a creative director for an international brand, back to working seven days a week and traveling twice a week.  All of a sudden I was a out of energy. I went to the hospital. They kept me there to run tests, but couldn’t quite figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out, I was three months pregnant!

Even though I wasn’t married, I didn’t have any negative feelings about being pregnant. I just felt very ready to be a mother, and I looked forward to it. And when I found out I was having a boy, it made me even happier.

Then came baby …
I honestly did not have that incredible feeling the first moment I held my son. Maybe it was narcosis. But I started changing day by day.

At the beginning, my baby was too precious. I did not want anyone to even touch him. He was a difficult baby as well: did not sleep more than an hour until he was 2 years old. On top of everything, when I look back, the only feeling I remember  is joy and the biggest satisfaction of my life. It was such a unique feeling, a unique gift. I still call him “my  heaven.” He really is my heaven on earth.

The most challenging part of motherhood …
Being and learning to be a mother and a wife at the same time. Being patient with both my son and my husband is and was quite challenging. On top of a hectic day, coming back home needs even more energy. I feel like I need to be positive 24 hours a day, which is not easy.

Patience and empathy are still the most challenging things for me. I am stıll trying to find my boundaries on how to give, how much to give. My son is extremely curious, but conscious as well. And I’m trying to learn more and more everyday so I’m able to answer all his questions.

On balancing work and life …
I took a one-year break to be able to take good care of my son. After that, I started working as a creative director for a major company, carrying three different brands. I work fulltime, and I work hard. People are usually shocked to learn that I’m a mother!

I used to travel a lot and often worked overtime. When he was 3, 4 and 5 years old, my son adapted to my life. He was with my parents when I was traveling. I am so lucky to have my parents near to help. They even moved to a house closer to us to keep things easier for him and me. We also have a great nanny who welcomes our son home  from school. I usually get home around 8 p.m. My weekends are mostly dedicated to him, if I am not working. So I gave up on my social life instead of giving up my job.

Every year I promise him — and myself — to work less, but unfortunately the opposite happens. So honestly, there is no balance. :)

The best part about raising a child in Turkey …
Having my parents around us. Also, being in a city (Istanbul) that is modern, but traditional at the same time. It’s full of contrasts: east and west cultures, different cuisine, music, and literature.

The parts I wished were different …
I do still plan to take my son somewhere else because Turkey is still a developing country. The desire of consumption is too driven. It is not the right country to raise a more productive boy. Most of the students are raised to be too competitive. And art and sports — and joy, basically — are secondary subjects.

If we could jump into the DeLorean and race back in time …
I would tell myself: “Cuddle as much as you can!”

Global Mamas: China

We’re profiling one mother from every country on the planet. (Current tally: 12 down, 180 countries to go!)

———

Born in Beijing in early morning, journalist Xiaoni Chen’s name (the Chinese characters) means “dawn girl.” She received a BA in journalism in China, then a master degree in journalism at UT Austin, and has spent much of her career working as a TV news producer. In fact, it was a mutual journo friend who connected us. So, let’s just say that journalism figures large in her life. Xiaoni has two sons: Dandan (means Red) who is 7.5 and Kai (means Happy) who will turn 3 next month.

Here’s her story …

Photo by Xiaoni Chen

Life before baby … 
Home was a place where I went to sleep and shower. The only meal my husband and I had at home was breakfast. At that time, I knew almost all new clubs, restaurants and hair salons in town. Life was about my husband, colleagues and friends. I watched stage performances with friends. I traveled and read books with my husband.

My ideas about motherhood …
I was never ready to have kids, so I never prepared for it. I couldn’t picture myself as a mom, even years after I got married. I was happy with what I had at that time — a good job, an understanding and supportive husband, and  a diversified social life.

Nothing changed my mind until I found out myself pregnant. I was so unprepared for it. I cried the night when the news was confirmed. I felt like my life had been changed to an unknown world — probably a very dark one — and my good life and work would be destroyed. I was debating whether nor not to keep the baby. Then I thought I was not young anymore, maybe it’s time to give it a try.

During the last month of my pregnancy, I was getting so afraid of delivery and the pain that would come with it. But really, that was the point of no return. I took the entire last month off and tired to get myself ready.

Then came baby …
I was amazed to see the tiny and wrinkled one lying there, breathing, yawning and sleeping. It’s hard to believe this little thing just came out of me. And it’s hard to imagine this little thing will grow bigger, eventually, taller than me.

Life was busy at the beginning. In China, people say “raise the first kid according to books, raise the second one like a piggy.” It’s true. After the baby was born, books were my best teachers. If something went wrong, I always turned to books first. It’s very important to have two or three good and complete baby books handy.

There’s absolutely no time to think of anything else during the first month. My mom came to help, but it was still stressful. I needed to plan my day carefully. According to Chinese traditions ( or tradition in some areas), I shouldn’t breastfeed right after taking a shower or if I just came back home from outside. So when to take a shower became part of my daily planning.

The biggest change was that home was no longer a place only for sleeping and showering. It had transformed into a busy place that was full of noise, smells, joy, and love.

Now when I came home from work, I can see the bedroom window is lit up from far away. Someone at home is waiting for me, and that “helpless” little person totally counts on me and relies on me. At the beginning, it’s a bit scary to have such big responsibility.

The most challenging part of motherhood …
How to educate children is the most challenging part of motherhood. It needs patient, insistency and strategy. Giving birth and feeding kids seems too easy comparing with how to educate them.

Education should start earlier — such as how to respect others, how to handle conflicts. Don’t think kids are too young to understand what you say. They understand a lot.

On balancing work and life …
Fulltime work is hard for moms who breastfeed. I was still breastfeeding when I returned to office, three months after giving birth. It’s not easy because I tried not to give baby too much formula. So I needed to leave enough milk at home. I tried to keep all the milk I pumped during the day. But when I worked late, I would run out of clean bottles or clean milk pump. Soon the baby had nipple confusion. That was very frustrating for both baby and me.

There was a reporting trip outside Beijing not long after I returned to work. I was given choice not to go, but I still signed up for it. One day, I sat in a car for a long time to film a windmill on top of a mountain. The moment we arrived at the destination, I dashed to a hiding place to pump milk — it was getting too painful. Later I was too embarrassed to explain to my colleagues.

I was offered a scholarship from Oxford University when my first boy was 6 months old. My husband encouraged me to take the opportunity. It was not easy for all of us. That’s how my baby weaned. But the experience with the medieval town and the 900-year-old university was unique and worth it. My husband and the baby visited me twice in Oxford.

The best part about raising a child in China …
I am close to my parents. Whenever needed, they come to help. Grandparents and relatives are big help as well. A lot of grandparents volunteer to look after their grandchildren. It’s common to see three generations living together.

Also, in China most of families with small kids hire helpers. We call them Ayi in Chinese. Life is a lot easier with their help.

The parts I wished were different …
The biggest challenge is the different concepts of school education. Most Chinese kids start education (reading, writing and mathematics) early. Chinese curriculum is very demanding, and doing well in school means everything. Most Chinese children already obtain good language and mathematic skills before they start grade one.

My boy is not in Chinese education system. He’s a grade two student in an international school. The school teaches kids according to their readiness and level. But from where I came from and what I’ve been though in school, I wish my kid could have a bit more homework from school.

I am having mixed feeling about raising children in Beijing. I am happy that my kids are surrounded by Chinese culture. We shoot off fireworks on Chinese New Year Eve. We go to watch stage performance <Monkey King>. But the infamous Beijing pollution is a big headache for me. In my kids’ school, one bell is normal bell just like anywhere else in the world. Two bells means pollution, play indoors only. Very often, my son complains he can’t play outside in school.

Another disadvantage of Beijing is that it doesn’t have much in terms of kids-friendly facilities and there’s a lack of nature.

Best piece of advice I ever heard …
“You are the one that knows your kids best.” I read it from a book and it’s so true. I know my boy’s personality and know how to handle it accordingly.

If we could jump into the DeLorean and race back in time …
I would tell myself, “It’s not a big deal. Relax and enjoy it before your kids grow up.”

Global Mamas: Singapore

We’re profiling one mother from every country on the planet. (Current tally: 11 down, 181 countries to go!)

———

Meet Marisa Low. She’s a 34-year-old working in marketing communications in the Singapore civil service. After being married for six years, Marisa became a mom in 2010. While her “very chatty” firstborn son, J.R., just moved into his Terrible Twos, Marisa’s expecting a baby girl in June.

Here’s her story …

Photo by Marisa Lowe

Life before baby …
For five years my husband and I lived a very comfortable (and, admittedly, sometimes indulgent) life as a “DINKs” household — Dual Income, No Kids. We dined out a lot, went on holiday every year, and concentrated on our advancing our careers. We also spent quite a bit of time and financial resources setting up our home, and enjoyed hosting parties at our place. It was enjoyable, but we had always known that it wasn’t going to be just the two of us forever, nor did we want it to be just us. We talked about having kids all the time but we figured that God would bring a child into our lives when we were ready so we didn’t specifically plan for a child

My ideas about motherhood …
I had always known I wanted to be a mother. Even as a pre-teen, I knew that I wanted to have children one day. By the time I was in my late teens, I had decided that I didn’t believe in marriage, but I still wanted children, so I came to the conclusion that I would likely become a single mom. I was open to the idea of adopting, but my youthful imagination (and Hollywood movies) had me believing that I could eventually find a supportive platonic male friend who would be willing to father a child with me and would leave the child-rearing to me.

When I was 17, I wrote a letter to myself that I was to open when I turned 35. I cheated and opened it when I turned 30! Apparently, my 17-year-old self had hoped that by age 35, I would have at least two children. I also once played a game with my friends where you dangle a ring over your open palm to determine the number and gender of the kids you would have. According to the ring, I was to have a boy and a girl; that sounded very nice and balanced to me.

Meeting my husband changed my perspective on marriage, but my desire for motherhood never wavered. The only thing that changed was we started envisioning ourselves with three kids.

Then came baby …
My husband and I moved in with my parents for a few months when our son was first born so that we could get some help with the baby. Though I was worn out from a lack of sleep, my new routine was decently manageable because J.R. was an amazing baby, feeding well every 3 hours like clockwork, and then sleeping or playing quietly for the rest of the time. He was also comfortable being carried by just about anyone, so whenever I needed a nap, I was able to hand him off to my parents.

The only challenging bit was around the third month when Josh developed problems passing gas on his own. He would wake up in the middle of night, crying and screaming because the build up of gas was bothering him. My husband and I would have to massage his tummy, “cycle” his legs, and do all sorts of shenanigans to relieve the pressure. That was a difficult couple of months. Oh, and the lack of sleep. That was a big change.

The most challenging part of motherhood …
The biggest challenge for me has been to make decisions knowing that it would greatly impact J.R.’s development. For instance, deciding when to wean him to solids, what to feed him, when to potty train him, when to start him in playgroup. My husband leaves these decisions to me, believing that I’d know best what to do, but half the time, I’m flying by the seat of my pants and making decisions based on advice from other moms, child-rearing books and online motherhood forums. It worries me that the decisions I make could be wrong and would end up hindering his development. And then, of course, every now and then other moms will say something that makes me second-guess the decisions I’ve made. The latest was,”Oh! Your child is NOT potty trained yet?” I feel like such a failure when that happens.

On balancing work and life …
Singapore offers a maximum of four months of maternity leave, but I took an additional two months — one of which was unpaid. When I returned, I missed the time with J.R. so much that I requested to work a four-day week (with the corresponding pay cut). Though it’s just one day extra to spend with him, I felt like my week was theoretically at a little more balanced: four days at work, three days with J.R.
But even with this flexible work schedule, the fact remains that the work itself — the expectations of my colleagues and my own sense of obligation/responsibility to my job — don’t quite allow for that clean separation of work and family days. I often had to work from home on that fifth weekday that I was supposed to be off.

At the start of this year, I went back to a five-day work week, so I see my son in the morning and then I’m home to put him to bed at night. I often feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation: I don’t get to spend time with my child, and I also don’t have much of a career to speak of because I would need to sacrifice a lot more family time in order to really forge ahead with my career, and I’m not willing to do that. So I’ve actually stopped calling it my “career” and started calling it my “job.” It’s a pay check, not something I do because I’m passionate about it.

The best part about raising a child in Singapore …
I’ve lived my whole life in Singapore (with a few years spent in the U.S. getting my university degree), and I always knew I wanted to raise my children here because it’s very safe and the healthcare system is top-notch but affordable — it’s the best part about raising him here.
It’s also great that Singapore is a nice blend of cosmopolitan Westernism and traditional Asian values so J.R. gets the best of both worlds. The fact that the country is so small also means that we’re never more than an hour’s drive away from family.

I’m really blessed to have two sets of healthy grandparents to look after J.R. while I’m at work, in addition to a domestic helper. I don’t think I could have raised my child as confidently without the help and support of my family.

The Singapore government has put in place policies to encourage couples to have children because the country is experiencing a steadily declining birth rate. Our country’s total fertility rate is at about 1.16, far below the replacement level of 2.1. So there are things like the Baby Bonus — which is basically credits banked into your child’s bank account to help you defer the cost of school fees and medical expenses — and tax exemptions for mothers.

They’ve also increased the number of infant and child care centers in Singapore, and there is a certain fee subsidy as well. These measures aren’t enough to defer the cost of raising a child nor are there enough quality infant and child care centers to support working parents, but the government constantly reviews these policies to see what more can be done.

The parts I wished were different …
The very competitive education system. Parents here place their yet-to-be-born children on waiting lists for the best kindergartens/pre-schools. Enrichment classes start from when the kids are as young as 6 months old, and continues all the way through until they’re in university. You get sucked into that competitive environment and your child is the one that suffers. I have yet to put J.R. into any enrichment classes besides gymboree and even though he’s only 21 months old, I already worry that I’ve shortchanged him and jeopardized his academic future somehow.

In general, being a mom in Singapore isn’t easy. Almost all of the married women I know are employed full-time, and most of us feel like it’s just not possible to strike the right balance. The working culture in Singapore is as such that you are expected to be on call 24-7, and that will inevitably cut into your family time. It’s something all of us working mothers struggle with, so gradually more and more women are just choosing not to be mothers.

Best piece of advice I ever heard …
“Enjoy your child. You’ll never get the time back again.” I remind myself of this whenever I’m tempted to stay a little longer at the office to finish off some work.

If we could jump into the DeLorean and race back in time …
I would tell myself: “You’re doing just great. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Just enjoy your time with J.R.”