Guest Post: The Parent at Rest

I met Ravi Howard at Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference five years ago. When we were introduced, it was first his name (after Indian musician and sitar legend Ravi Shankar) and then his accent (he’s from Alabama) that struck me. Oh, and one other memorable thing? He’s hilarious. Back then, neither of us were parents. Just writers itching to talk about the all-consuming craft and promote our respective debut novels. Cut to 2012: We’re still writers always up for talking shop, but now there’s something else Ravi and I are quite happy to chop it up about … them babies.

Ravi agreed to write a guest post for MMM, and — clearly — there were smiles all around.

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Photo by Ravi Howard

The music teacher at my elementary school gave our class a homework assignment. Go home and look through your parents records, and find a rest. A concept introduced to us through our music vocabulary as a silent place in the middle of the sound. With the help of my parents I did my homework, and on the morning of our next class, I got on the bus with a James Brown record. Which one? I don’t remember. We listened to it in class, and there, in the midst of a groove, the band stopped for a split second, before they would start up again. Considering the pace and sound of James Brown, that little piece of quiet made the sound on either side that much better.

My teacher said that rest moments were hard to find, and he was right. It took some searching to find the one. I have remembered the rest moment and the truth about the elusiveness of it. As a parent who works from home, I have made it a point to find some of those rest moments that I searched for on wax.

This time last year, I found one in an unlikely place and an unlikely time.

My wife and I decided to move from Mobile, Alabama to Atlanta, Georgia, where we had found new career opportunities. Laura works as an emergency room pediatrician, and I write fiction and teach. Despite the promising future, there is never a good time to pack everything and move, especially for parents of a two-year-old. On most days, I work from home and raise our son Ellis, who spends his mornings in preschool and his afternoons with me.

That schedule changed as we got ready to sell our house and move. I had come through chaotic weeks of staining floors, painting walls and ceilings. (The only room in the house that didn’t need any work was the nursery, completed two years earlier with the prenatal kind of urgency.) After a couple of hectic months of paint brushes and nail guns, I developed home improvement skills I hope to never use again.

I tried to write through all of this. My work was portable, because the real estate agent told us to depersonalize. All evidence of my working life was hidden under the bed when buyers walked through. In our spare bedroom/office, one set of boxes held student assignments and drafts of my novel. The other set of boxes held the mortgage papers, tax returns, sales listings, and agreements for real estate agents. The realities of the housing market boxes didn’t mix well with the imagined worlds stowed in the others.

In the midst of all this, work proved difficult enough. Then my hard drive crashed.

The good news: I didn’t lose anything. The contents of the hard drive were backed up. The better news: I had a few days with no internet access and no laptop screen with too many windows open at once. I was cut off from the multitasking that was never really my thing. With no reminders of unfinished things, I wrote with a pen and paper at an empty desk in a freshly painted room. I worked within that rest moment that I had found on a James Brown record.

The IT folks told me the laptop might take a few days, and I thought, take your time.

Fiction writers and teachers often talk about stillness and silence on the page, yet finding such moments in life can be elusive. It’s the same for parents. I have packed nap times with tasks and unrealistic expectations that make the time flow too quickly. The rest moment is no place for multitasking. I’ve learned to pick one task, or an idea, and let that live in the calm bit of time I’ve found.

Eventually, the laptop was returned to me, and FedEx left a box of CDs on my porch. In the year since, I have worked a bit harder to find the rest moments. I had learned that in a calm space, it was easier to slow down time. With distractions packed away, I enjoy the single task before me, be it editing or playtime, reading to Ellis or reading for pleasure. Accomplishments resonate more. After a rest, I can better appreciate what I hear when the music begins again.

Activities Director Mack, Reporting For Duty

There’s no school this week. Winter break. So, you know how that goes. Posts will likely be few and far between this week since I’ve become The Youngster’s social activity director, like Julie McCoy from The Love Boat (‘member her?), only with better hair. Let’s keep it real — we all  have better hair than ol’ McCoy, yes? Oh, Julie, you sweet, ever smiling thing.

Anyway, I thought I would leave you with a few things to keep you busy until we return to our regularly scheduled program. Most of the links/stories have been posted on MMM’s FB page. Wait, you haven’t been there yet? I’m sorry, WHAT? You have not “Liked” our page yet either? If I were wearing pearls (and why not, since they obviously go with purple yoga pants and painter tees), I would be clutching them right now. Do us all a favor and head over to Facebook and Like us. And while you’re catching up on your  ”Things I Should Have Done Ages Ago” list, consider clicking to Twitter and follow me too. It’s what’s best for everyone involved. (Really, though, thanks for the support.)

All right. Now that we are on the same page, the links:

• This story from Forbes.com about  Target’s somewhat creepy, but fascinating and extremely targeted data-mining.  The headline on this alone will have you saying, what tha— “How Target Figured Out a Teen Girl Was Pregnant Before Her Father Did“
• Half-million bottles of Children’s Tylenol recalled because … bottle’s dosing system is TOO HARD TO USE. Come on, now, parentals. From NPR’s health blog, Shots.
• The  whole “French parents are better than you!” thing is still making the bloggy (and print) rounds. On Slate there was this insightful and honest four-part discussion between an American mom and French dad about raising le bébé.
• Spinning off from the French parents talk, there’s an excellent NYT piece about the importance of teaching self-control (as the headline says, “the American way,” but after reading the piece, I didn’t see anything particularly “American” about it. Just me?) There’s also some solid intel in the story about self-esteem: Children do not benefit from routine empty praise, like hearing “Good job!” for every little thing they do. It’s better and more effective to praise the kid’s effort.
• Also interesting is this reaction piece on Slate about what was seen by many as a “condescending” NYT article on young, single mothers.
• And from the Three Degrees Separates Us All file … I see a tweet from Huff Post Parents about what happens when one mother says YES to everything her toddler suggests for one day. I know, right? Move over 30 Rock, there’s a new sitcom in town. Turns out, the mom who wrote the post is our former neighbor/park friend in Montclair, NJ. Small world made even small by these here internets.

Anyhow, y’all, my time is up. Shuffleboard on the south deck. Please feel free to discuss any or all of the above in the comments section.

The Confab: Parenting Gone Global

I’m ever interested in what mothers and fathers of the world have to say about how they do what they do. We already know the why part of the equation: it’s all about them babies. We all want raise balanced, kind, engaging human beings who others simply enjoy being around.

So when I read about a new book by author and freelance journalist (now associate professor of journalism at the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University) Mei-Ling Hopgood called How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm: And Other Adventures in Parenting, you know I was alll over it.

Born in Taiwan and raised in metro Detroit with the parents who adopted her and her two Korean brothers, Mei-Ling knows diversity. She has lived in St. Louis, DC, Hawaii and most recently (before a big move two weeks ago) Buenos Aires for seven years. Both of Mei-Ling’s daughters, Sofia and Violet, were born in Argentina.

In the middle of her international moving madness, she was gracious enough to chat with me about, well, how Eskimos keep those wee ones warm … and a few other burning questions.

Photo by Eric Eason

Q: What made you write this book?

Mei-Ling Hopgood: I became a mom living abroad, which opens your eyes to different ways of thinking and parenting. Argentines had a pretty laid-back view of bedtimes, never used baby food out of a jar and treated pregnant women like queens. Argentine men had a much more comfortable and close proximate relationship with babies. It all made me reflect on my own background and the places I’d traveled to.

Q: What was the big lesson for you after researching and writing the book? Was there a particular country that proved the most surprising eye-opener for you?

MLH: The biggest overarching lesson was that while there are universals in good parenting — providing enough food, sleep, love etc. — there are many ways in the world to be a good parent. We need not deem anyone “superior” rather we can learn from each other on the dos and don’ts of parenting.

There were tons of big and small surprises for me, but one of the most important was that children could be effective teachers of children, and that they could be trusted with some pretty big responsibilities. (Little ones in cultures such as the Mayans in Mexico expect their kids to participate in the care of siblings, cousins, etc., from very young, and are also expected to work.)

Q: Has this book changed how you parent?  

MLH: Yes, in many ways. For example, I potty trained my first daughter pretty early compared to most parents I know and plan to do the same with the next child. Also,  I am more open to letting the kids break routines for family social occassions and have no qualms about them falling asleep in social settings (though with two, I greatly value routines).

Plus, I try not to intervene as much in kid skirmishes, or at least not as quickly, and see how they will play out.

Q: After talking to parents and experts from around the globe, is it fair to say that American parents may be a tad too fearful and anxious (maybe even neurotic!) regarding parenthood and issues around parenting? A case of being almost cautious to a fault?

MLH: I think that is true. I think we often treat our children as if they’ll break if one bad thing happens or we make one bad choice. But kids and parents are amazingly resilient and have thrived in situations that some of us would find impossible.

Q: I chuckled reading the “How Buenos Aires Children Go To Bed Late” chapter. I’m Canadian, raised by West Indian parents, and I remember all too well being put on the “coats bed” to sleep during weekend grown-folk parties. We slept soundly despite the thumping calypso and loud laughter just outside the room. Do you think that some American parents could benefit from loosening up the rules sometimes? What can our kids learn from seeing some flexibility? 

MLH: It depends on the family. But I think for me the flexibilty was a good thing, both for the kids and my own mental state. They got to know other families and kids, and learned how to behave in an adult social setting, which I think is important. That said, again, with my baby now, I’m pretty selective about breaking routines these days, but I do think it’s important that she learn to be flexible.

Q: Your chapter on Tibet was wonderful. I, too, suffered a miscarriage. I know the depths of devastation and the incredible need to regroup and feel like “you” again. Would you explain a little about the Tibetans’ emphasis on the mom-to-be’s mental and spiritual wellness — especially the importance of stillness?

MLH: The Tibetan view (particularly Buddhist) is that stillness, or peace, is important for a mother and baby’s wellbeing. We spend a lot of time talking about the physical prep for pregnancy in the U.S., when it’s also valuable to think about one’s mental and spiritual health as well. It just makes logical sense: our bodies and minds do better when we are less stressed, more relaxed.

Q: Journalist Pamela Druckerman’s new book Bringing Up Bébé has been getting a bit of press lately [We talked about it on MMM last week].  It proposes that French children are essentially better behaved largely because their parents are more relaxed and “less neurotic” about child-rearing. What are you thoughts on that? And did you come across similar findings within the different cultures/countries you researched? 

MLH: I get what she is saying, and I think I saw that in a lot of other cultures — such as Argentina. Moms and dads are more relaxed about the regular challenges involved with parenting. For example, we all would gripe about our babies and their erratic sleep habits. But the moms there wer emore matter-of-fact about it. In fact, my pediatrician (with both of my daughters) listened to me complain about sleep issues, and then said, “Ya va a pasar.” It’ll be over soon. In the U.S., we kill ourselves to try to “fix” those things.

That said, I really have issues with the trend in parenting discourse to claim French or Chinese parenting “superior.” I know that’s mostly the media, rather than the authors. But I believe that is a pat, oversimplified way of looking at parenting globally. We sincerely have a lot to learn from each other.

Q: In the book you talked about how globalization and the “commercialization of parenthood and childhood” are changing the way we parent. We seem to be — for good or bad — collapsing all of colorful differences into one “monotone” way to parent. Do you think there’s anything parents can do to preserve our delightful differences?

MLH: I hope people all over the world really think about whether the sweeping subscriptions we read in parenting literature is good for everyone. I think we need also to move away from saying there’s one perfect way of doing anything. That may sell, but it’s destructive.

Q: What do you hope other parents who read your book will take away from it?

MLH: I hope that they will take tips that might make them meet the challenges of parenting, and I hope they will take heart in knowing that there are many ways in the world to raise a happy and healthy child.

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For more on Mei-Ling Hopgood, please visit her web site, where you may also watch a wonderful trailer for her book. You’ll be instantly soothed by her mellow voice! 

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Do you have a watch on? Might want to check it, because IT’S GIVEAWAY TIME, Y’ALL! You know the accent is always on “fab” in The Confab.

Thanks to Mei-Ling — lovely as she is wise — and the kind people over at Algonquin Books, we are giving away FIVE copies of How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm. All you have to do is leave a comment below or mosey over to the MMM Facebook page (by the way, have you “Liked” us on FB yet? Ahem.) and tell us one parenting tip you’ve picked up from another culture or country. As, Mei-Ling rightly said, we have so much to learn for each other. So … do tell!

Us or Them: Qui Est Meilleur?

I’m beginning to think that the Wall Street Journal‘s ”Saturday Essay” has a pattern going here. One that seeks to pit parents against each other. A Parent Bowl, of sorts. Follow me down link-memory lane to understand …

Photo from SheKnows.com

In November of 2010, author Erica Jong kicked the ball into play with this essay in the WSJ about attachment parenting and American parents’ crazy push to mold exceptional children. It went in hard on helicopter-style parenting, saying that when “combined with environmental correctness” it’s basically a prison for mothers.  The backlash was fast and furious. We linked to some of the reaction posts in our then weekly bloggy wrap-up.

Two months later, the Parent Bowl game was back on. This time the op-ed piece was by Amy Chua, talking about how the “Chinese mother”-style of parenting is superior. The essay was, of course, linked to Chua’s memoir called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which shot to the top of Amazon’s bestsellers in mere days. It should be said, too, that WSJ was stirring the boiling pot with link-bait headlines and excerpting the most “inflammatory” pages from Chua’s book.

There were many — I said, MANY — reaction pieces and posts to Tiger Mom. One of favorite wise women, Lisa Belkin (then at NYT‘s Motherlode), weighed in on Chua’s mean mommy tactics and shared links to other essays that stood up to Tiger Mom, pointing out the dangers in making wild and wide generalization about Asian mothers. Then children of Asian/Chinese moms spoke up, too, including Christine Lu, who had this heartbreaking story about “Chinese mom”-style parenting.

You can still hear rumbles about Tiger Moms a full year later. The term is firmly nestled into parenting orthodoxy. It’s here to stay, y’all.

OK, still with me? I know, lots of links. But we’re rounding the corner now …

Almost a year later comes this Saturday Essay: Why French Parents Are Superior. (Down, Tiger! You’ve been usurped!) I’m guessing the reaction posts are not far now. Or maybe not, because this time instead it being a case of Us vs. Them: Who’s Better?, we could allow for a valuable lesson here.

The French “way” of parenting, as described in journalist and writer Pamela Druckerman’s new book — out tomorrow – Bringing Up Bébé, is a calm, rational and, frankly, less neurotic approach to raising children. One magazine even dubbed it the “antidote” to the Tiger Mom. But, come on, if taking the French route to this thing means having well-behaved, respectful children who understand vital concepts like patience and grace, and who “sleep through the night at two or three months old and eat well-rounded meals” — no chicken nuggets, food-throwing or dinner table battles? Then, I say, oui, oui!

I will definitely be reading this book with my mind open and ready to glean. We’ve got ourselves a pretty good kid, but after a recent (and crazy random!) meltdown in the juice box aisle at the grocery store, I know there’s room for improvement, room for taking a different approach, room for learning along with him.