It was the chimney guy making a casual observation that sent me blathering in an excuse-heavy spin, making it very clear that I needed to get a handle on this situation. My secret “shame” had gone on long enough. Time to do something about it. Time to come clean.
OK, the confession: My son drank his warm milk out of a bottle until he was 4.5 years old. How old is now? Oh, uh, he’s 4.5 years old.
To explain …
Nice gentleman comes by the house to clean the chimney and check the fireplace. As we ‘re wrapping up the visit, he hands me a company coloring book for my child. He’s an observant guy and noticed the little clues and tiny shoes by the door. As we move through the kitchen so I can grab a pen, he notices the baby bottles drying on the counter.
“Oh, looks like you have another, even littler one. Should I give you two coloring books?” he says, reaching into his bag. “Although, at that age, I don’t know if there’s much coloring going on, huh?” He chuckles and gestures to my private scandal posed there by the sink. “The bottles,” he says, as if I didn’t know. UGGGH!
That’s when I start …
I know, I know! It’s not the worst thing, but we’re gearing up to stop, and with the recent move, we didn’t want to make too many big changes for him, and it’s just for comfort, it’s his routine, in the morning when he gets up and then at night after the bath and stories, and the snuggling in the morning is nice, and it’s not the worst thing, it’s a pain washing them these days, but we’ll figure it out, and he’s not going to head to college still drinking from one, right?
The poor chimney guy must have been thinking, “Now, where is the closest exit.” He was gracious enough to not let the fear wash over his face, and just smiled (though a bit nervously) and nodded while finishing up his paperwork.
Finally, I said: “Oh, one coloring book is fine. Thanks.”
The Youngster and I have had honest conversations about his leaving the bottle behind. He even said that when he turned 4 it would be a good time to move on from them. Then he turned 4 … aaannnd informed me that he wouldn’t be ready until later. Like, when he turns 5.
After the chimney moment I decided to take the reins back from this kid. I told my son that after Halloween it would be brand new month and the perfect time to start a new milk routine — one that did not include the bottles. I said we’ll pack up the last of the baby items (the potty and bottles), since he was an official big boy. After some pointed questions (Where would we send these items? Why do other babies would them? Which babies, exactly — like, name names, woman — would use them?), The Youngster agreed that starting November as a true big boy was a good idea.
Every few days I would look at the calendar with him, remind him that after the fun of Halloween we would be packing up the baby stuff. He was hyped, nodding and echoing my enthusiasm. “Yeah, goodbye, baby stuff!”
Then the first bottle-free night came. The routine went as usual: bath, jammies, and story time with warm milk. We used a water bottle that he picked out in his favorite color. After a few, “I think when I turn 5 this will be better. The bottle still works because I’m only four-and-a-half,” the guy finally took the to cup and drank all the milk.
High-fives all around!
That is until the next morning when there was a fresh production about the problems with this new system. “It’s a water bottle, after all,” the kid actually said. (It took everything not to crack up when he hit me with that one!) We talked it through and he drank a little milk that morning, complaining with every little sip.
We’re still working on it. However, there’s one thing I know for sure: those baby bottles cannot return. In fact, I packed them up and pushed them in some obscure corner of the cold garage to make sure that, in a moment of frustration, I don’t step backwards and go the assumed easy route.
I’m sticking with this. We’ll reach cruising altitude soon. And when we get there, I might just pull out that chimney guy’s coloring book and frame it.
Do you have any “baby stuff” routines that you’re holding on to with your little big kid? Care to ‘fess up? No judgment. No coloring books.
So, I’m sitting here with an ice pack on my lower back and a hot compress on my neck. Oh, and in about 40 minutes I need to go administer my second round of medicated drops to my eyeballs.
Yeah. This week has been glorious! Hashtag IsItOverYetPlease.
Anyway, I’m still working away on the book proposal and determined to finish the whole thing by early November. (Send all well wishes and good writing vibrations my way c/o the internetz, please and thanks.) This means I’m neck-deep in all things books. And earlier this week, I read about this slightly odd/possibly cool new trend in children’s board books: literary classics adapted for toddlers. We’re talking Moby Dick, Romeo & Juliet, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, and Anna Karenina … for your book-nibbling two-year-old.
Listen, I’m a huge proponent of early intros to reading for kids. I’ve been reading to my son since he was in my belly, and now, at 4.5 years old, we read three books together every single night. And I’ve read and agree with all the studies showing the benefits of reading to and with your children.
But Moby Dick, though? Many full-grown adults haven’t even conquered that one.
Seems a little twee, if not excessive to adapt heavy and often complicated stories for the under-3 crew. However, publishers behind the kiddie classics series assure that they are not about to unfold the knotted plots and complex characters in these stories, but instead use them as a “springboard to explain counting, colors or the concept of opposites.”
I don’t know, I’m still not totally convinced. I mean, the cover art looks cute, especially the needle-felt figures on the Cozy Classics, but Huckleberry Finn for an 18-month-old? Yeah, let me have a look at that book first.
What do you think? Cute or little bit extra?
Sound off below! I’ve got two fun books to giveaway, so two lucky MMM readers can walk away with either:
1. Big Book of Why: Crazy, Cool & Outrageous: Full of more than 1,000 fascinating facts, the book answers the many questions these young’uns like to ask and ask and ask and ask, like, “Why do I have nightmares?” “Why are oceans blue?” and “Why do people cry when they cut onions?”
The Artist’s Way for Parents: An older friend and mentor recommended Julia Cameron’s bestseller, The Artist’s Way, ages ago when I was trying to make some decisions about next steps in my media career. It was a total gift for me back then, and I in turn recommended it to other friends who were finding their creative way. Now Cameron’s added another book to her collection, this one focusing on parents and their children from birth to age twelve.
Please send me those special “comments” — outlandish things others have said to you — by email at get[dot]msmack[at]gmail[dot]com or you can leave them below, and I’ll be in touch soon. Thank you!
And here are two other interesting stories I came across while researching this book:
- This one from the NYTimes on Sunday from a white father raising two black children. It’s a good essay, and one line that stood out for me was this: ”Raising kids of color by white parents is not just a matter of love; it requires a racial consciousness that is common in families of color, but rarely developed in white families.”
- This NPR story called “Holding Onto The Other Half of ‘Mixed-Raced‘” about a Norwegian-American woman with one white son and two older, mixed-race sons — one of whom prefers the term “mixed-heritage.”
Last week we talked about filling your closet with the right stuff for fall. (And one lucky reader nabbed a free book out of the deal!) This week, let’s focus on putting those clothes — and shoes and bags and boots and all the other clutter — in their rightful place. Time to finally get those closets in order, people. And organizational expert and best-selling author of Unstuff Your Life Andrew Mellen is here to help us kick the clutter habit … this includes the Mountain of Paper right there in the corner of your kitchen. Yes, we can all see it.
Q: How did you get so organized?
Andrew Mellen: I was always organized about the things that matter to me. Which is what I’ve discovered in my work as a professional organizer — that people can get and stay organized in those areas where their values are engaged and there’s a clear buy-in for them around organization. For example, when I was a kid I collected baseball cards and matchbox cars. They were always neatly organized.
My mom basically cleaned my room. She did the wash so whether I dropped the clothes on the floor or put them down the laundry chute, magically they arrived back in my room clean, pressed and folded. So clothes weren’t really on my radar.
At this point in my life, I have a deep commitment to using my time as strategically as I can – and the easiest way to do that and to manage that is to stay organized. That way, when I’m working I’m as efficient as I can be, and when I’m playing I can relax without stressing about my to-do list.
Q: What’s the most important thing to know and remember when one sets out to “unstuff” one’s life and simplify?
AM: The two most important things are:
1) Getting and staying organized are not the same thing. They work in concert with each other but they are separate activities. So you could apply these principles going forward and never create more clutter, but that doesn’t address the clutter that you’ve already accumulated. That needs to be accounted for and addressed. The promise there is that if you are successful at staying organized and deal with your historic accumulation, you’ll never have to do it again.
2) The Organizational Triangle® is the foundation of both getting AND staying organized: One Home For Everything, Like With Like, and Something In, Something Out.
One Home For Everything means exactly that — everything has one home and only one home. There’s no rule about where that home is, meaning where your keys live doesn’t have to be where my keys live. My keys live in a dish on a table just inside my front door – your keys might live on a hook just inside the door from the garage. The only rule is that the keys are either in your hand unlocking something or they’re in their home.
Like With Like means all like objects live together. Not most, but all. All the office supplies live together, all the tools live together, all the small appliances live together, all the outerwear lives together.
These two principles will clean up 90 percent of anyone’s disorganization.
Something In, Something Out is about achieving stuff equilibrium — having enough of everything that serves you and nothing that doesn’t. So when you get to stuff equilibrium, when you’ve eliminated everything that no longer serves you and you have enough of everything that does, you’re no longer in the business of accumulating. You’re replacing, upgrading, swapping… Whatever you want to call it. But you’re no longer bringing home random things just because they are pretty or shiny or cheap or a bargain, etc.
Q: Is there an overriding philosophy to which we can subscribe?
AM: If you consider The Organizational Triangle® a philosophy, then sure. If not, then I would just suggest paying attention, being mindful. Clutter is nothing more than a series of deferred decisions. Let go of “someday” and “later” as time-management tools and you’ll never create clutter again.
Q: We’re all busy. Parents barely have time to say the word “busy.” Is there a “shortcut” to getting organized?
AM: Sadly, no. Getting organized takes as long as it takes to deal with that historic accumulation. Staying organized takes no time at all.
Q: With your clients, is there a common mistake that you see? If so, what’s the solution?
AM: The most common mistake is the degree of denial or magic thinking. It goes back to the fantasy that ”someday” and “later” exist and are some sort of “get out of jail free” card. We all get the same 24 hours so spending them doing what’s important is what we’d all like to be doing, but many of us get distracted by what’s urgent and set aside what’s important thinking you’ll eventually have enough time to get around to it. But by the time someday or later arrives, either one arrives with its own agenda and commitments. The notion of free time that’s uncommitted magically appearing in our schedule is probably the biggest trap that most people fall into.
Q: What room seems to need the most help when it comes to parents and families?
AM: When it comes to parents and families, I’d say it’s common areas – either kitchen or family room. It’s typically where everyone is hanging out, where everyone brings their stuff, and where everyone leaves their stuff rather than putting it back in its home.
Q: For parents with school-aged kids, what’s your best advice on tacking the dreaded Mt. Paper? All the incoming and outgoing pieces of paper parents gather up from school, where can we put it all?
AM: Remember that math homework is not a sentimental object. You definitely want to establish what I call “command central.” That’s where everything entering the home from school goes first. Then paper can get sorted based on what it represents.
Is it a permission slip, which is an action item, meaning it needs to get processed and returned to school ASAP?
Is it a report card which needs to be reviewed, possibly signed off on and returned to school?
Is it an art project that, if exceptional, gets hung on the wall – and if not, gets sent off to relatives (for them to discard after they’ve enjoyed receiving it)?
Is it a schedule or calendar that needs to be referenced throughout the school year, so kept handy on a wall or cork board?
All paper is not created equal — you need to be able to distinguish trash from treasure with a cool eye and clear guidelines.
If you moon over every scribble and mark your child makes on a piece of paper, you need to think carefully about what you’re communicating to your child. Some children will naturally gravitate towards sentimentalizing everything they come in contact with. You can be a power of example to show them that some things are more important than other things, some things are worth keeping and others are just part of the process of learning — where they begin to see that sometimes the experience itself has greater meaning than the milestones of progress we create as we gain that experience. For example, when artists do sketches before creating a painting, some of the early sketches are discarded – they were experiments but not meaningful in relationship to the final painting. Other sketches, that seem to be studies of that future painting, are retained as a more focused roadmap for the artist as well as the viewer who’s intrigued by the artist’s process.
Q: What about with teaching our kids to get organized … is there a way for parents to help their kids pick up de-clutter habits from early?
AM: Any child over the age of three can grasp The Organizational Triangle®. Remember also that your kids are watching you. They are far more likely to mimic your behavior then comply with your rules and suggestions.
Q: How about parents who like to hang on to everything from their kids (baby socks, bibs, artwork, first this, first that, etc.), what’s your advice for them? How can they de-clutter when sentimentality comes into play?
AM: Get really clear on whether you’re keeping these things for yourself or for your children. Remember that your children lived their childhood — they are great teachers about being in the moment. They may want a few mementos to memorialize a particular event, but more likely than not, the experience of being there was superior to the experience of freezing it in time. Imagine leaving your parents’ home for your own home and they hand you random school lunch menus and your 3rd grade math timetables as “souvenirs” of your childhood?
If the things you’re holding onto are for you, be a thoughtful curator. Again, you have an opportunity to distinguish trash from treasure. Choose a pair of baby shoes not every pair of baby shoes. Choose one Halloween costume rather than all of them.
Q: Best way to get stringent about “Keep It/Toss It” decisions when de-cluttering?
AM: Be clear about what you value. Return to your core values and use those to inform what stays and what goes. Vague will never be your friend when it comes to making these kinds of strategic decisions. The more specific and intentional you can be, the better your results will be. It’s seldom a good enough answer to say when asked why are you keeping something: “because I like it.”
Put yourself on trial and defend your choice — that’s where the rubber meets the road. If you can’t convince your unemotional self that there’s a good and specific reason to hold onto something, it’s pretty clear there isn’t a good reason to hold onto something.
Q: If you had to boil it down to four key tips to getting organized (for good), what would they be?
AM: I’d say you only need The Organizational Triangle®. Apply it liberally and consistently and you will get and stay organized. For good.
Giveaway time! Do you want to unstuff your life? Leave a comment below about your organization challenges and you might walk away with a free copy of Andrew Mellen’s book.