Hey, Sleepy Parent! Come on, Get Happy!

Quit it! Yeah, I said it. Quit your belly-achin’ about the lack of sleep, or the fact that you haven’t seen a current movie — in the cinema — in over six years. Enough about the no-time-or-energy for mattress dancing. (Oh, please. You know exactly what that means.) And not another word about the number of times you’ve stepped on LEGO on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Nobody wants to heat it. Because guess what? You’re not miserable after all, Parent. You’re happy! You’re even happier than your No-Kids-Havin’ mates. Uh-hunh. There are even studies and research and science that prove this to be true, true, tue. In fact, it is “undeniable that parents have become relatively happier than non-parents over the past few decades.”

Un-de-neye-able.

Uh, what’s that? Let’s talk about the “relatively happy” part, you say? Nah. Why ruin this with semantics and details and context.

I’m just glad there’s finally a study or news report where someone isn’t talking about how much they hate parenting. Or how modern motherhood is somewhat like a prison. Or  how American parents are losing at the Best Parents of All the Land games.

We’re happy, y’all. We’re happy. Let’s feel good about that.

(But for real, this parenting thing is pretty damn good. There are ups and bumps and dips, but I definitely wouldn’t trade it for anything. OK. Maybe for more sleep. Kidding! Happy people do that, you know? They kid.)

Pausing to Get My Color Back

Have you ever seen a flower that so desperately and so clearly needs to be back in some water? It’s droopy and soft, wilted like warmed lettuce. Lying there, weary, on a dry table, you can see muted version of its special, brilliant tones — the vibrancy almost all drained away — at the base of the bulb. Maybe it was mistaken for dead and so was dragged out of the comfort of its vase.

But it’s not dead. It’s not dying. This thing, delicate and important, just needs some time to get its color back. It needs some repositioning, some sunlight, some quiet all in order to flourish again and stand tall.

For the last few weeks — maybe as many as eight — I’ve been feeling like that flower. Like I need a chance to get my color back. I’m still trying to feel comfortable here in our new environment, feel rooted in our new CT Life. It hasn’t happened yet, and that has left me somewhat out of sorts. Off balance. Out of my vase filled with water.

Now, I wholeheartedly agree that happiness is a choice, and I am actively choosing it. But in order for me to arrive at Happy in a real and true way, I need to work through this other stuff. The stuff that is blocking my path there. The best part is, I know I will work my way though. I’ve done it before. So there’s nothing stopping me from doing it again, ever brilliantly.

Guest Post: A Down-to-Earth Look at Feminism and Motherhood

Man, mothers can’t catch a break. There was the “attachment parenting is a prison” thing. Then the “Tiger-Mom up if you want to raise winners” bit. And then more recently “the French do it better” discussion. Oh, and the so-called Mommy Wars are back in the flames (with the interesting new piece: the rise of the Dad Wars). So when a new book dropped called The Conflict with a subtitle that basically says, motherhood is the new ambition-killer for women (taking over from marriage, of course), I posted this Slate article about it on the MMM FB page, and Amy Webb’s blood started boiling.

Here’s what Amy, a wife, mom and Ph.D. who blogs about child development and parenting, had to say about her conflict with The Conflict.

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Who knew that a book by a French philosopher and feminist could raise such a stir among parents of all varieties in America? Although Elisabeth Badinter’s book, The Conflict : How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women, was released in France several years ago, it just hit American shelves this week and the reaction has been immediate. Parents, be they the stay-at-home, employed, conservative, or liberal variety, have had strong reactions to her argument. In a nutshell, Badinter contends that modern motherhood, particularly certain time-intensive “trends” such extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting, are antithetical to feminism. She argues that these practices are, in a sense, setting women back to the type of oppression and inequality that they experienced generations ago.

This subject made me reflect on these parenting trends, as well as the nature of motherhood in general. First, what type of parenting methods are not time-intensive or do not require a great deal of self-sacrifice? (I think that is called “neglect.”) Any parent, female or male, who is worthy of the title “parent” is going to invest a lot of time and energy in their child. By their nature, children require a sacrifice of self. They are, after all, born thinking they are the center of the universe and do not figure out that they are not for several years.

Second, the idea that children have replaced men as the “oppressors” of women is outlandish. Yes, there are undoubtedly circles of mothers who are competitive, and some may feel pressured to follow certain parenting practices (i.e., extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting). I think these pressures generally come from a certain segment of the society and if one does not want to follow these practices, you can surround yourself with other people who support your choices.

In the early months of motherhood, I felt some of these pressures after attending a mothers’ group where extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, and co-sleeping were the norm. Although I actually practiced all of these things to one extent or another, I knew I did not adhere to them as fiercely as this particular group, so I sought out another “tribe” in which to surround myself. I soon found another group of mothers who, like me, did not adhere to one “trend” or style of parenting but rather made our parenting choices based on what we felt was right for ourselves, our children, and our families as a whole.

That’s the beauty of modern motherhood that Badinter is missing: Mothers today have the freedom to create this role in any way we wish. This is the true gift that the feminist movement has given us. As women and mothers we have the freedom to configure our lives in ways that are meaningful to us. Mothers of my generation, on average, waited longer to have children, are more highly educated, and I feel are more prepared to enter motherhood with our eyes wide open to the choices, opportunities, and yes, sacrifice that comes with this life path.

Badinter’s argument also sparked, for me, a larger issue about the role of self-sacrifice. There does seem to be an idea out there that anything that requires sacrificing your own desires for the sake of another is somehow anti-feminist or at least not progressive. I find this problematic. Generations ago women were required to sacrifice many of their ambitions/desires to care for children and husbands. This sacrifice was oppressive in the sense that women had few other options. If this lifestyle was not fulfilling to a woman, there was not much else she could do.

The difference today is that while this level of sacrifice is still present, women may choose how their life is configured. Many women find staying at home to raise children a meaningful and fulfilling lifestyle, even with the sacrifice that is involved in that choice. Similarly, women who work outside the home also face sacrifice and find meaning in that lifestyle as well.

The point is, women now have more choices. To my mind, opening up more choices to women is the primary goal of feminism. Almost any life choice is going to require some sort of self-sacrifice unless you want to live a life in which you have no relationships or commitments to anyone other than yourself. If that’s what it means to be a feminist, then I’ll pass.

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Amy Webb is a wife, mom, and blogger who translates academic child development research into parent-friendly articles at The Thoughtful Parent. 

Global Mamas: Haiti

We’re profiling one mother from every country on the planet. (Current tally: 14 down, 178 countries to go!)

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We’ve long said that it does’t matter if you’re a mother of 7-month-old or a 7-year-old, you have something valuable to share and we want to hear it. So, meet Fabienne Colimon. She’s a proud single mother of now-grown daughter living and “thriving” in Haiti.

Here’s her story …

Photo by Fabienne Colimon

Life before baby …
I grew up in a very traditional and conventional family. Growing up, I needed to ask for permission to go everywhere.  I participated in many activities.  I went to the beach, disco, movies, visited friends, and of course, in Haiti Mardi Gras was a must.

My ideas about motherhood …
My dream was to find a “Prince Charming.”  He and I would fall in love, and he would (as is the custom in our culture) request my hand. Then we would have a lovely home and two little girls.

But these ideas absolutely changed. Hopes and dreams aside, I became involved with a married man and got pregnant. That changed everything.  Needless to say, our relationship was complex. Upon learning of my pregnancy, he asked me to get an abortion. I refused and asked him to get out of our lives. Single mother hood was something I knew would be difficult, but I also knew I would and could thrive and survive. Aborting my baby was something I knew I would regret.

Then came baby …
Being a single mother in Haiti has traditionally been taboo. The expectation is that dream: Girl meets Prince. Prince marries girl. They build a beautiful home and have beautiful children. And everyone lives happily ever after.

When my father found out I was pregnant  he cried and asked me why I had done this to him.  I imagine that he cried for the disappointment and fear of what my life and my daughter’s life would be like.  However, Nastassia was born and her birth was a joy and blessing for our family.  She was (and still is) the adored child. My parents doted on her.

The most challenging part of motherhood …
Single motherhood overall is challenging. There is no doubt about that. The challenges are financial. The challenges are emotional. I am certain that my daughter has experienced difficulty because a single mother raised her … which is painful to think about.

While I have adored, loved and raised my child in the best way possible, I cannot take the place of a father. I never asked him to leave his wife and never asked him to contribute. I feel very strongly that I should not have had to ask him to face his responsibilities to our child in the same way he did to his three other children.

On balancing work and life …
I worked until the day before I gave birth. My maternity leave lasted for about 1.5 months. Once I returned to work, I was able to have a nanny care for my daughter. Every morning on my way to work, I would drop the nanny and my daughter off at my parents for the day. As with most mothers, it was difficult to leave her, but I had to earn a living to care for her. We all do what we have to do.

The best part about raising a child in Haiti …
Family is the center of life here. My siblings have children, and my daughter has had the benefit of being raised with her many cousins. We had family dinners on Saturday and Sunday, a tradition that continues.  Community is alive and thriving in Haiti. The Hillary Clinton, phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child” is the truth in Haiti. Extended family is very involved in helping raise children.

I feel blessed to have raised my daughter in Haiti. We have a rich and beautiful culture and I made sure that she was able to take advantage of it all. Nastassia has had the very best that Haiti has to offer and her foundation is solid. However, Haiti does not have a public assistance program. I’m glad that we were fortunate enough that we did not lack for anything.

Best piece of advice I ever heard …
After the birth of my daughter, my father told me that my priority was now my daughter and that my life had changed. At that moment I became and remain to this day devoted to my daughter’s well-being.

If we could jump into the DeLorean and race back in time …
I would tell myself not to worry. In spite of any difficulties that lie ahead, all will be well.

I have raised an intelligent, talented, well-adjusted, and beautiful young woman. She is well on her way to be being successful. She is my legacy and my greatest accomplishment.  Not all women are meant to be mothers. I was. Motherhood is a gift I have been given and one which I cherish.

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If you would like to nominate a mother living outside of the United States to be featured in the Global Mamas series, please send an e-mail to: get[dot]msmack [at] gmail [dot] com.